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Lucky

footsteps into walls
I'm all about music. Music is what makes me what I am, makes me do what I do, think what I think, all of that. It's the very heart of me, so when I read lyrics that just touch me, hear a song that moves me, it's going to be a part of me for quite some time. There are only so many songs in this life that really move me to the point of tears, because they remind me of something, someone, or a time that really reflects in my life. I can hear the song "Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)" by Dixie Chicks just fine, but once I start singing it to Ryan, which I dubbed his song when he was 6 months old, I just cry. I feel so passionately about that song, and the connection I have to it and to my son. The same goes for the song "Somebody's Hero" by Jamie O'Neil...That one is dedicated to Journey, and I only choke up when I sing it to her, not just hear it. It literally makes my heart just...burst in feeling. They're powerful songs, those two.

Back in 2001, when Don and I got together, Lifehouse hit popularity. We heard the song "Everything", and immediately thought of each other. Thus, it became our song. To this very day, i make sure I play that song on our anniversary, just to reinforce everything we feel about each other, and how we feel about one another. To this very day, almost eight years later, we still hold onto each other and tell each other we our each other's everything. He will always be my everything.

Today, I was talking to my friend Rox, and she was telling me about a Jason Mraz lyric that was to her favorite song. I was wondering what the song sounded like, so I typed the lyrics into google, which came up with the name of the song. From there, I youtubed the song so I could hear it. It's called "I'm Yours", and it's a fantastic song, very soothing, reminds me of a day on the beach. I could see why Rox loved the song (it doesn't hurt to mention that she's absolutely OBSESSED with Jason Mraz heheh). So then I told her about how Journey had started dancing around to it (the tune must have struck her, which Journey is very much like me...if there's a song that she loves, she lives that song out. Music is definitely a passion of hers) and that it was a nice change of pace than having to listen to "Bubbly" by Colbie Calliat for five million times (re-count that, five million, six hundred fourty-seven thousand, two hundred and seventy-three times...and counting still...). Rox was like "Oh, you have a Colbie Calliat fan, eh? You should check out the song "Lucky", it's a duet of Jason Mraz and Colbie Calliat!" So I was like, hmmmmmmmmm, maybe I should check that out.

Of course, I ALWAYS google lyrics for ANY song before I listen to it. I'm one of those people that get severely disappointed if the lyrics are just nonsensical babbling but the music sounds nice. I love lyrics that make sense, that make a story and paint a picture for me, it's like poetry, only better because it's put to music. When the music matches the lyrics, it's a dynamite song, A plus in my book. Again, I'm very finicky on things like pitch, nasal tone, how the music flows, how the lyrics flow, if they make sense, what kind of beat there is...things like that.  I read the lyrics, and my heart just about burst! This song, THIS SONG, if it would've been out eight years ago, would have been mine and Don's song from the beginning. Our beginning was never an easy one, and the odds were definitely against us. Living 1800 miles from each other was probably the most difficult thing we had ever faced, and though to most people that pries them apart, it just pulled us together so close and tight, we fused together. I honestly believe that's what sealed our relationship to the point of where it is now.  It's also funny, because it seems like no matter where we live, Colorado, Maryland, or wherever, I'm always home, because he is my home. He is what makes my heart beat every single day. I used to sit there saying "I wish I could go home" when I was sad, lonely or depressed, and wonder where home really was. Not until Don and I went through the trials and tribulations of our relationship did I realize, my home is with him, wherever he is, that's where my home is.

So now, without further ado, I'll give you the lyrics and the link to the song that made me laugh and cry all at the same time. I told Don we should make this our second go-round song. He laughed and told me "It should've been our first go round song, and then 'Everything' should've been our second go round, but I say yes, we should have both". I sure do love that man! I'm so blessed...or in this case, I'm so "Lucky". :)

Lucky
Do you hear me? I'm talking to you
Across the water, across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm tryin'

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel you whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say good bye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you, I promise you, I will

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

Though the breezes through the trees
Move so pretty, you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning 'round
You hold me right here, right now

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooh, Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh, Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh Ooh

www.youtube.com/watch

Though there's no video (just a screen with lyrics instead), it's the best quality sound one I could find. :)

SOOOOO excited!

footsteps into walls
I dunno about anyone else, but I'm so friggin excited for Thanksgiving, I can't even stand it.
I know it seems cliche. A fat girl loves Thanksgiving, right? I mean, that just SCREAMS cliche. It's not really about the eating part that I love though, it's more the cooking part, and letting everyone else eat it...I LOVE that. I love being in the kitchen and making different stuff the whole day, it's so awesome to me! I love sitting there working on mashed potatoes and making gravy and finishing off the turkey...it just makes my entire Thanksgiving holiday. The eating...well, that's cool too, but it's not actually getting to COOK the meal, ya know? I think the only part of Thanksgiving that sucks is all the dishes you get stuck with. Seriously though, that's what husbands are for while I'm being busy preparing the hard work we'll be noshing on in a few hours time heh heh heh.

I think if we moved back to Colorado, I'd have to go all "control-freak"y on Mom, and take over making Thanksgiving. I don't think I could handle letting someone else make the meal...I just can't let that happen. I know, I'm a nut job...but seriously, honestly, this is like, better than Iron Chef America to me. I HAVE to be in that kitchen, I HAVE to be the one that's running around making five different things. If that's not me, then by all means, I had better be the one that's sleeping in!

I even told my friend that lives in Toronto, if we were to move to Canada, I'd have to celebrate BOTH Thanksgivings...just so I could cook everything twice! How awesome would that be??

Now all i need is a semi-organized kitchen to get this all in order...Good thing Ryan doesn't go to school tomorrow! I'll be working on getting everything set up.

Sooooooo excited!

what comes of dreams

footsteps into walls
I dunno about anyone else, but most of my story ideas come from what I dream. I'm one of those weird freaks of nature that not only dream in color, but can remember almost all of the dream most of the time. Sometimes, my dreams feed off of dreams I've already had. Sometimes, my dreams are ones I know I've had before..but with just different parts to them. Most times, I remember what people look like, buildings look like, the plots of them, and everything. I don't know if this comes from having an overactive imagination, or watching tv (which I honestly don't do that much anymore...I watch House and Psych, and if I'm lucky enough to get an extra hour in, I get to watch Jon and Kate plus 8...but that's only if the tv isn't being monopolized for some DC sports team of some sort, or for some kids show on PBS during the afternoons), but my dreams could be movies. They could be TV serials. It amazes me with what my mind comes up with sometimes.

The only trouble is, I find it hard to write down everything that I've dreamed, only because it's so familiar to me, and yet so unfamiliar to a reader. There is a house that I see in my dreams quite often-one I've never been to in waking life-that I have the most difficult time explaining. It seems no matter how hard I try to describe it, it just never comes out the way my mind has always seen it. 

Sometimes, I find that just sitting here in a journal/blog and posting what I dreamed is a lot more helpful, and it seems to be able to siphon out with less hassle. It's when I try to turn it into some kind of story that it just doesn't seem to make any sense, or it doesn't flow well and takes forever to get to the point. Sometimes, when I dream, I don't see how I can make an actual story out of a dream, just for the fact that the dream either took too long, or I can't fathom ways to add to the parts in between that don't make the parts of the story cohesive to each other. Perhaps this just makes me a lazy writer; I'm not sure.

Anyway, I just thought I'd come in and post my dream, see what everyone thinks, and maybe get some feedback on if this is normal protocol for everyone else that dreams...or at least, remembers if they do.

In my dream, I was someone else. I was me mentally, but physically, I didn't look anything like me. I know it was night time, and I was driving somewhere, out on the open highway where it's only two lanes wide on each side of the highway, and there are hardly any lights lining this highway. I'm not sure if the way I was dressed was attributed to the era, or because it was a formal engagement that I was attending, but all I know is, I was in a prom type dress, a v-neck with wide straps on the shoulders, though for the life of me, I don't remember what color it was. The skirt was made of mounds of tulle, like most formal engagement dresses are, and I had a very good friend with me as we were driving to wherever it was we were trying to make it to. I remember my friend was in a tuxedo, and being the navigator for our destination. I think it was possibly the era for the reason we were dressed the way we were as well...because I remember plainly the car being an older car, the kind that has push buttons to change the stations on the radio. I remember in the dream, he was playing with the radio, and I was laughing and singing along, and he'd change the song on me while I was singing, which would result in me smacking his hand playfully and changing it back to sing along again. I don't know where we were driving (though in the dream I know I did), but I know it was an important event we were going to...just not a dance, or a wedding.

As we drove along, my friend began to talk to me earnestly, about life, and what he dreamed would be in store for him. I remember him saying that I would be there with him no matter what, and that he couldn't possibly picture his life without me in it somewhere. At this point of the dream, I remember that we're driving to my engagement party...I'm engaged to be married to someone I love. I look down at my hand, and my ring sparkles up at me. I have mixed emotions about this though. I was driving with my best guy friend to my engagement party because I was going to announce that he was to be my man of honor. He was the best friend I had ever had all through life, and I wanted him to have the position because of how much it meant to me and how much he meant to me. (In waking life, I don't really have a male best friend that I've had all my life. The closest thing I have are five best friends that I've had since freshman year of high school, which has been nearly 14 years. I do, however, have two very close male friends that I consider my best guy friends, apart from my husband, that I love like brothers very deeply, and I'm assuming that's where some of this might have come from, though in the dream the relationship stems a lot farther than anything that waking life does). I remember in the dream where he turns to me, and says "Are you sure about this?", looking me straight in the eyes. I pull my face away, back towards the road and continue to drive, telling him "As sure as I can ever be". 

Then he pops out with, "You know I've loved you forever, right?"  I give a nervous titter, trying to be light and airy about it, and answer with, "Of course, we're best  friends, we've grown up together, best friends love each other". Obviously, that's NOT the way he meant it.
"No, I've seriously...I've loved you. When I say I want you in my life forever more, I don't mean as just my best friend."

"Okay well...this is a helluva time to spring this on me right now..."

"I'm sorry, I'll drop it."

But my heart is going crazy! All this time, all I had ever waited for, was for him to show me some kind of sign, that he didn't think of me as some tag along little sister type that was annoying, or the Dear Abby living across the way that could help him solve his dilemmas. I had held out so patiently, even prodding suggestive hints on him from the time we were very young, in junior high, and it seemed as though he had never gotten them. I pull the car over to the side of the road, and we stop and look at each other.

"When did you realize this?" I ask quietly.
"I've always loved you," he repeats.
"No, when did you realize you loved me more than just your best friend?"
"I guess...in junior high. I just never knew how to ask you. You always seemed so busy with everything...I thought for sure it would ruin our friendship."
"Well guess what. I've been in love with you since junior high as well. All this time, I thought you just thought of me like a sister, nothing more..."
"That couldn't be further from the truth."
"Why didn't you say something?!?" I yelp with exasperation. There's a bit of tension, and then it finally dissolves into laughter.

"So what are you going to do? Are you still going to marry him?" he asks me nervously. I just sigh and bite my lip. I can't believe I'm caught in this predicament, at such an inopportune time. I fell in love with the man I got engaged to after I had put my dreams to rest that my best friend, the one I had loved so early on, would ever catch on about how I felt about him, and would make something out of it. I know that I love this man; I wouldn't have said yes to spending the rest of my life with him, accepting the ring he gave me, if I didn't. But for my heart to finally hear after what it waited to hear for so long...

I'm dying to kiss him, just sitting there inches from me. My heart is screaming for me to lean over and fall into him, and let my lips match up with his, but my mind is warning me just as loud that that would NOT be a good idea. Infidelity was not the way to start out an engagement party. Part of me is flying inside, unable to believe the dream had finally come true; the other part of me somber and full of remorse. I just knew, I had to break someone's heart that night, and I couldn't bear the thought of losing either the man that sat next to me in that car, or the man that was waiting for me at the party. I go to look away from him, fear and humility in my eyes, and he cups my chin and pulls my face back up to his. Right as he leans in to try and kiss me, the most horrific thing happens: a big rig with it's lights fully blaring comes out of nowhere, and has no time to screech to a halt as he sees that I'm pulled over on the side of the road...even though I had my lights on, the driver wasn't paying attention, and thinking I'm stopped in the middle of the road, attempts to swerve onto the shoulder where we're parked, and promptly wipes out my car.

The next part of my dream that I remember is that it's awhile later from that time, and though at this point it goes kind of foggy (which, to me either means there was more emphasis on the parts I remember, or that I was closer to consciousness and starting to wake up), I remember that the man that was my best friend was trying to so hard to get me to remember him, but I just couldn't remember him. I didn't remember much of anything before the accident, and the man that I was engaged to had a hard time convincing me that I was going to be married. I was in and out of the hospital, they were working with me to try and regain my memories back, but I just couldn't remember. It was so heartbreaking for me to see his face in the dream, as though he'd lost everything he ever had in the world when I stopped remembering him.

Okay, so I know it sounds sappy, and it probably also sounds like something that runs out of a soap opera (now that I look back on it and read it, it does to me *ack*), but there was just something about that dream. I don't know why I was able to remember it, and I know that I could really feel the feelings of it; the hope, the love, the amazement, the happiness, the nervousness, the regret, the horror, all of it. It's very hard for me to let go of things when I actually have emotions invested in them, and that's what makes me wonder why this dream was so filled with emotions of that sort.

Maybe I just think too much.

nine lives or more

footsteps into walls
Do you ever feel like you've lived more than one life in this lifetime of yours? I'm not necessarily talking about reincarnation, but more something along the lines of, "Wow, I can't believe I used to be...before I got married", or "Wow, can you believe I used to do this/be this/feel this/etc., when I was younger?". Something like that.

My life is all split up. There are times when it doesn't seem like I was the person that went through that, or that worked there, or had those experiences or relationships. It's almost as if it was a different part of me, one that doesn't sync up with who I am today. Was that really me that worked at the Pepsi Center and met most of my heroes? Was it really me that went out on all those dates? Was it really me that worked at UPS? Then why is it I look at myself now, and there are no signs, no proof that so long ago, that was me?

Sometimes, I look at it as a trail off of possibilities, ideas, and such. You know I try not to regret anything that happens in this life of mine, because I wouldn't be where I am today if I did. I wouldn't have the kids I have, I wouldn't have the man I love,  I would have a completely different life. I'm extremely happy where I am, so I can't see going back and doing anything differently. Sometimes though, like any other person, I think back to some opportunities and wonder what might have been if I would've done something differently. I don't WANT to, is the difference. There's nothing in my being that aches to go back to a time and fix something, change something, whatever. Sometimes, when I'm curious, or bored, I think back and wonder what would have happened in certain situations. The answer usually comes back "I'd still be where I am today, because that's where I'm meant to be", but as a writer, I think about these kinds of things. I remember the time I lived at Six Flags for two weeks straight, going every single day, and the time I met Skylar, who looked almost exactly like Stephane Yelle. We had sparks flying, and in a flash of torrential downpour, I never saw him again. I know it wasn't meant to be, because if it was, something would have come out of it...but sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if we would have found each other, and if I would've given him my number, or me his. Would we have dated? Would we have fallen for each other? Would it have been a messy break up the way that my love life seemed to go to at that point? I can only wonder.

Sometimes I feel like such a liar, or at least that's how people make me feel when I tell them I worked at Pepsi Center and when I met the Boys. They act like "Yeah, sure, I bet you did work there...I'm sure you did meet the Avs...Uh-huh, you and your overactive imagination. You're a great storyteller", ya know? Really though, it did happen. I had people there with me during that time. I really WAS on TV twice because of them. I really was interviewed because I knew so much about them. I really did get both Joe Sakic and Peter Forsberg to sign. I really did know Patrick Roy's family, and the man was good as gold to me because I was good to his family. Once upon a time, it really happened, though that seems like a life I used to have and live. My 19 year old life seems like a fairytale, even though it had a bad ending to it. I know that they wouldn't have kept me on at the Pepsi Center, but what if they had? What if things would've turned out differently, and when they closed down, they decided they were going to let me stay? How many players would I have met, where would I be today? Would I even still be working there? Would I have really been deeply involved with the organization since I was so deeply in love with it? I can only sit and wonder, and remember the glory days of when I actually worked there, and what I did, and what my life was like at that point.

It almost kind of makes me feel like there was a life there that never really ended, it was just abandoned, left for dead. The details of how it all ended are kind of hazy, and all I can remember are the times that it actually happened.  In a way, because of that, it makes me feel like somewhere out there is a me that's still living in that limbo and toiling away at that reality that I barely recognize as my own. Once there was this life of me at 18...Once there was this life that was amazing at 19...Once, I used to do this when I was 21. Then I look at when I'm sitting there reading bedtime stories and tucking in a 4 year old, going "Holy crap, when did *I* become a mom?? How did this happen?? Why wasn't I paying attention?" It just hits me in a sudden wave.

I wonder if this is normal for everyone, and everyone feels like this, or if it's just me and I'm crazy. Maybe I have a form of dementia already, and that's why there's a split between all these things in my life that make them someone else's life for that moment in time.

And TMBG sings on..."I'm insane...I'm insane, I'm insane..."

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